One of my favorite TV shows growing up was The Honeymooners starring Jackie Gleason. I watched it in reruns throughout my teenage years, my 20s and even my 30s. I’m not exactly sure why I loved it so much; maybe because my parents really enjoyed it, and it brought me back to those warm comfortable days. Maybe because it was, well, funny. Maybe because in some strange way, Jackie Gleason’s character Ralph Kramden reminded me of my own dear Dad. Now my father was a hard-working, quiet, fairly serious man who would not put anyone in the mind of Ralph Kramden. But something, something, about him radiated out of Ralph. I think it was his booming voice, his honest naivete and his inherent good-heartedness. My recall of the details of the show may not be all that accurate but in an episode that I do remember particularly well, Ralph qualifies for a game show called the “$99,000 Answer”, obviously a reference to one of the first TV game shows, the “$64,000 Question”.

I recall that in the first round of the competition Ralph is full of bluster and confidence until the TV camera comes on and then he crumbles under pressure. He goes from a larger than life character to a bowl of jelly in seconds. The cameras come on and the host introduces the contestants. He asks Ralph what he does “for a living.”  And after he finally breaks out of a fear-induced trance he blurts out, “I bribe a dus”. Host: “I’m sorry, You what?” Ralph: “I bribe a dus”. Of course he means that he drives a bus, but for some strange reason that sticks in my head as a really funny moment, and even today if somebody asks me what I do “for a living”, sometimes I say, “I bribe a dus.”  Nobody, I mean NOBODY, ever gets it and of course why in the world should they?  Welcome to my mind.

As it turns out, and unassociated with the Honeymooners (I think), I actually do want to bribe a dus. They are the whales of the highway, the tankers of the asphalt, the kings of the road, and it looks like they are a blast to drive. Driving a bus has always been on my bucket list. So a few weeks ago I stopped by the City of Carmel School Bus Barn to inquire about driving a school bus. Again, my kids think I am absolutely insane and they say I will hate it. My schoolteacher daughter is the most vocal. Some of my nieces and nephews think I’ll be the coolest bus driver ever, but my own kids see disaster. Go figure.

Well, I’m here to tell you that it is no small feat, driving a bus. Not the act of navigating this beast of machinery; but actually qualifying to transport the future of America.  Here are the steps I need to take:

1. Fill out a 6 page application on line for the school bus driver position
2. Obtain a CDL-class B Learners Permit by passing 4 written exams at the BMV.  The exams are for General Knowledge, Air-brakes, Passenger and School Bus endorsements.  The cost of these exams is $16.00 and the study guide is the CDL drivers manual.
3. Pass a medical exam completed by a Carmel Clay School physician.
4. Attend a paid training program ($12.34/hour) to assist me in obtaining an official CDL-class B license.  Training takes up to 4 weeks from 9:00 am-1:00 pm Monday through Friday.
5. Finally, I need to pass a driving exam for the CDL which is handled by an independent testing company.  The cost of the driving exam is $100 and the Commercial Driver’s License costs $36.00

Whew! That’s a lot of time and work for a job that pays about $100 a day! Still, it’s not about the money, it’s the EXPERIENCE that counts! And I have to admit that getting a CDL license sounds like fun. But I’m kind of busy with golf and my IKEA gig at this point so I think I’ll go slow with the whole bus thing. I’ll likely get it going after the new year.

Meanwhile, you might be wondering how Ralph fared in his attempt to score $99,000. Well, he manages to win his first round and advance to the finals where he is the lone contestant for the grand prize. The category, announced a week in advance, is Popular Songs. What luck! Ralph is a shoe-in because he is known among his friends as a popular music expert! Still, he wants to sharpen his skills and rents a piano so that his pal Ed Norton can play snippets of songs for Ralph to identify. Ralph is a wiz. He easily identifies each song, artist, writer, the date of release and even the record labels. Interestingly, before every song Ed Norton warms up by playing the opening notes to Swanee River. He plays just one full bar then segues into a new song. Every time. Ralph shrugs it off at first but later in the week it gives him the chance to blow up at Norton as he does on every episode. So we get to the final episode with $99,000 on the line and Ralph has clearly overcome the ‘on camera’ jitters. In fact, he is over-confident and a bit smug. The very first ‘low value’ question:

“Who is the composer of Swanee River?”

Jackie Gleason’s face is just hysterical. Frozen, with eyes popping out of his head, he has no earthly idea. The tune is played for him and it only makes matters worse. Finally, just before one of the funniest lines ever, the host says “your time’s running out; better take a guess” so Ralph finally blurts out “Ed Norton?”  Hysterical. Through the magic of the internet, here’s an excerpt for your viewing pleasure:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzxWIL6HElI&feature=youtu.be

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